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The Venti/Enorme/Gigante-Assed Coffee Naming Revolt of 2004
December 09, 2004
Now, this is what I'm talking about. This is what you want from a blog - intelligent discussion about today's important topics, discussion that elevates the level not only of public discourse, but of activism.
The casual mention of the silly and pretentious naming conventions used by coffee shops in Monday's blog led to just such a discussion, culminating in Jori's mighty rebel grito:
Let's start a revolution and start ordering coffee on our own terms. Tomorrow I'm going to saunter into Starbucks and say "I'd like a 'husky' cafe mocha...and no skimping on the whipped cream, Mr. Coffee."
So, there you have your marching orders. We, the coffee and chai-drinking proletariat must rise up and subvert the bourgeois naming of our overpriced caffeinated beverages. I pledge to go back to the cafe at Nordstroms, smelling very special after a good hearty run, insert myself in line between some overdressed, overmade-up, Prada-carrying mall queens, and order "a Fcuking Huge Indian Tea with some Low Lipid Cow Juice and Frozen Water."
Organization is everything, as is an ample stockpile of synonyms for words like:
small
medium
large
huge
milk
low-fat
no-fat
extra-fat
decaf
whipped cream
arrogant teenage coffee monkey
"Husky" is great, though it recalls my beloved pair of green jeans from Sears in my youth. Morgan suggests "Grosso," which said in a gravelly baritone should turn some heads. Please post any other suggestions here.
So, go forth today, Mighty Warriors of Syntactical Simplicity, for though this war may be fraught with peril and slightly expensive for a cup of freakin' coffee, we are the vanguard for those that will follow. Return to us here with stories of your mighty exploits in this holiest of causes!
Posted by Rob at December 9, 2004 03:47 PM
Comments
I am easily frustrated by the stupid nomenclature used in upscale coffee shops so I can't justify making the classifications even more absurd--I'd just be punishing myself. I do like to play stupid with the cashiers, though. I order a coffee and when they ask me what size I want I say something like, "The middle size," or "The little one," and then when the cashier repeats the order to the barista, i.e. "Venti decaf extra caf skinny poopy mud puddle," I say "No no, I wanted a medium, please!" They usually look at me disdainfully, but for some reason this really pleases me.
Posted by: Daryl at December 10, 2004 12:05 PM
I've been remiss in my activism. This is now 2 mornings in a row that I haven't been able to get up on time. Perhaps this weekend, in the middle of a horrific hangover, I will muster up the energy to do my part. I'll be sure to let you know.
Posted by: Jori at December 10, 2004 03:58 PM
Dammit, Jori, apathy, or perhaps blind bus drivers, will be the death of us all.
Posted by: Rob at December 10, 2004 04:24 PM
You know how succesful i was at my stalking business. All in due time, my dear. : )
Posted by: Jori at December 10, 2004 05:47 PM