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on temperance
December 14, 2004
dammit, i've let time slip by me again. every time i think it doesn't really matter that i haven't made an entry, a francine or a morgan or a jori notes the lack of activity. prepare for rambling.
i still miss the drinking, the hanging out at the pub. last night, i went to see spanglish (which, for all its weak treatment of cultrual differences, was a very well-written, well-acted and enjoyable flick). adam sandler does a lot of beer drinking, and i was often distracted from the scene by my longing for a beer. kind of weird.
but i hit a point where i realized i couldn't keep up what i was doing with alcohol for a couple of months there. for one thing, it's expensive. sure, a 12 pack of harp and a bottle of rose's lime juice is pretty cheap, but the inevitable and frequent trips to fado's for beer and writing time were eating through my budget.
more importantly, the effects of alcohol changed. where it once turned aside oncoming anxiety and negative thoughts, it eventually began to lose ground to the force of reality, or what seemed like reality, creating its own steadily deepening hole for me to fall further into.
plus, it was making me fat.
so, for a while now, with the help of some positive influences, the discipline required by this zany running thing, and the distraction provided by good friends new and old, i've been moderating.
tonight, though, i'm allowing myself one (OK, two, as this entry becomes longer). i'm allowing it because a critical part of the balance i need to strike in my life comes from the need to write, and dammit, there's still nothing like a dark room, lit only by my computer monitor, and a cold lager and lime.
incidentally, i just tried to pour my second (and last) beer of the evening in the cool way that adam sandler did last night. not so good. it's what i get for trying or even wanting to imitate anything adam sandler does.
so, what of the past week? as always, full of life's little victories and defeats. i spent a lot of time last week with my great new friend francine last week, and it spoiled me. just to have that frequent and reliable companionship of someone i relate so easily to fills a lot of the gaps i used to gripe about so much (note: "used to" = about three weeks ago).
wednesday, i had a great time with yet another new friend, suzi (who i met through francine), seeing a very cool documentary about this amazing Russian inventor dude named Theremin. afterwards, we hung at fado's for quite a while. thursday, another great time with heather and francine at... fado's... where heather and i had eaten lunch. francine then went with me to see the women's basketball team I coach (the Deadly Viper Assasination Squad) win a pretty thrilling game.
saturday morning, i got up and ran 10 miles with my training group, another milestone (literally) for me. i felt incredible during the run - light on my feet, longer strides, on my toes up the hills, with a fairly strong finish in the last three miles. most importantly, my mental game was improved. i could focus on the running, i could push myself through pain and fatigue much better than before, because i felt the positive foundation of hope and purpose under me.
the aftermath, however, was pretty hellish. i never gave myself a chance to recover, really. i went home, showered, and met suzi, whom i hung out with for the next 10 hours discussing, among other things, some exciting new creative stuff, the evening ending at... fado's. after that, i took some teenagers to a midnight halo 2 tournament at the drafthouse, finally finding blessed, blessed sleep at almost 3 am.
sunday, i was up again, and hung out with francine and had a good deal of fun. monday, it all caught up to me, the drain of the all the fun and activity, as well as the sober realization of some disappointments that had piled up over the previous week. it was frustrating... for almost two weeks, i had felt phenomenal, the combination of a genuinely fresh and hopeful outlook on my life, and the new cocktail of medications i've been taking. the more constant intravenous infusion of music from the new ipod didn't hurt, either.
yesterday, today even, it seemed to be fading. i didn't make it to work yesterday, and tried to convince myself and everyone else that it was entirely physical, when it was probably only partially physical. the hope i had written so positively of just weeks ago, the almost blind faith in the unfolding of potentials and possibilities ahead of me if i just kept going, seemed to be failing me.
today, i made it to work. i kept the door closed, the lights off, because i hate the flourescent lights anyway. i gritted my teeth through the day, often literally, struggling not to lose my newly gained grip on hope. getting my haircut with cameo helped - a great haircut to feel good about, and an hour of therapy for half the cost of my therapist will do that. i drove to meet the training group, knowing i just had to make it there, to see people who knew me, but not too well, to fall into the pace and stride, into harmony with my own body, and to take comfort talking to my running buddies janay and tiffany.
i had a banner night, much as that phrase really does nothing for me from an aesthetic standpoint... i struck out ahead of the group on a fairly challenging hill course, and just kept putting on distance. one woman caught me and followed my pace, then kind of hurt herself on a lump in the road. I made sure she was alright, then continued. another woman eventually caught up to me, and we ran the last loop together. we egged each other on up the hills, to the finish, and we crossed the finish together. that's me, always let the girl finish first, if we can't finish together. yeeeah. anyway, it felt kinda like the old days racing bikes, when I couldn't/wouldn't be beaten.
we ran back to the store and our cars, and i realized my faith had returned a great deal. there is still possibility out there for me, and in that, hope. i'm not deluded into thinking there won't also be disappointment, i just gotta know that it's all a game of numbers, of potential energies and probabilities, and i have to believe that odds are, good things will happen, too.
wow. i am soooo long winded. i'd apologize, but i'm sure no one's still reading...
Posted by Rob at December 14, 2004 11:59 PM
Comments
I read it all, damnit! :)
Posted by: Eileenie Weenie at December 15, 2004 08:42 AM
I'm still reading too, Rob.
Posted by: Nikki at December 15, 2004 09:29 AM
mmm... somebody's not working very hard...
you guys are very patient, and for that, i thank (and pity) you.
Posted by: Rob at December 15, 2004 09:55 AM
As always, i will read until the end. You continue to amaze me.
Posted by: Jori at December 16, 2004 02:01 AM