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lest i forget
December 29, 2004
God gives, and he takes – and gives, and takes. What's hard is dealing with the gaps between the giving and the taking, wondering if the giving will come back around in time to mean something.
one more, please.
yes, you're a good cat.
let's have less light.
"i'm... thinkin' it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images, and when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned..."
breathe.
today was a reminder. i believe in a higher consciousness in the universe, but not one that toys with us or manipulates our fates, and is far more powerful and meaningful for it. i believe that the universe gives and takes, and gives and takes, through no malice or benevolence, no real design, but yet not entirely at random. things simply unfold, without meaning in and of themselves. increasingly, i believe that we ascribe meaning to events by our reactions to them, and that somewhere in all that lies the whole point.
i remember thinking at some time, from a conversation with lori, that "you can no more force the universe to unfold as it should than you can force an acorn to grow into an oak." i now believe that there is no "should" involved, but that we still can't force the universe to unfold as we might want or expect it to.
but inevitably, the unfolding of the universe gives us reminders, whether it is the sudden and horrific punctuated fall of thousands of people, or stubbing our toe in the morning. what do we learn, what do we see about what it is to be us, to be human?
my reminder today is more on the stubbed toe end of things, almost sinful to talk about in light of what else is going on today. but it was inescapable, there despite my efforts, no matter which way i turned. the exact cause is difficult to determine or isolate: lack of sleep, the stutter in my medication in anticipation of finally getting my blood drawn today (which still didn't happen, despite my second trip in two days to the phlebotomy pit), or the impact of everything else happening in the world.
i've felt so good lately. moments of doubt were intellectual, not visceral. the feelings were still there, but i could press on past the sea of troubles, and, theoretically, by opposing end them. today, not so much. i was anxious. the wringing of hands and rubbing of my chin from years ago recurred. following a conversation with a problematic complainant, a ballpoint pen (that, fortunately, was showing signs of an end to its long life in my service), paid a horrible, terrible price. four or five times today, i fought off tears. granted, they came at things i should probably cry for - pictures of thailand in november, the sight of the headlines today, a few pieces of music, something someone said...
it was hard to put my heart into work, but i looked forward to the training group tonight, to seeing my running friends there. the end of the day came, i changed, and i waited in the RunTex Store for Psychotic Running People's parking lot. the anxiety wouldn't let up, and my friends didn't make it out. i set off on the run, and i ran the hill workout hard. the people in general in this group seem to be unusual, as if they were hand-picked for their personalities. they slowly wore down my urge to withdraw, to reinforce my own isolation.
the hill workout itself, six loops of a short course, helped, too, giving me something to focus on. i hit a hard pace to begin with, and though it really shouldn't be competitive, i took a definite lead. there was still a curious mental battle in the fourth lap, some hideous voice in my head trying to shut it all down, the voice from before that demanded meaning, decreed there was none, declared that there was no point, that it would all end the same way.
then, a woman passed me, and another. i told the voice to fcuk off. i focused in the last two and a half laps on pacing myself on the slow parts, saving up to make some gain or at least keep myself within reach on the hills, where we were supposed to go hard. i was able to keep up, and was able to catch and pass one person in a full sprint over the last couple of blocks. i've had to learn, whether in softball, basketball, or running, to ditch any macho male bullshit. much respect to those two girls that passed me. they ran smarter, and were able to catch up to and defeat the considerable lead i had.
the lift and distraction that the running experience gave me passed, though - i couldn't hold on to it. i stopped at best buy to get some stuff with a gift card my dad got me (for god's sake, continue to avoid any major retail outlet for as long as possible - it's just ridiculous). another couple of episodes of feeling... overemotional on the way home. and, i couldn't get ahold of a few of the people i needed to talk to, and i felt again like i was in a vacuum.
but the universe is always unfolding, and the phone rang. a friend i fear losing in some way called and wanted to hang for a drink. i disguised the post-run stinkiness with nice clothes and some cologne, and met her to split a couple of margaritas. and now, here i am, a few more lager and limes deep, the lights off, the cats around me, the garden state soundtrack playing softly (at this point, it's safe to say it will always be a reliable musical friend for me). a little while ago, another good friend dropped me an email, and it made me happy, made me feel a little connected again.
so i feel ok, now, at 12:15am. i feel good that through it all, i didn't lose my relatively newfound faith in the future, in my view that the universe will, as i've said, continue to unfold. i didn't lose my faith in following the path that is, moment by moment, by chance and choice, laid before me. and that is a significant victory for me. but i don't forget where i've been, and where i could return to, if i don't keep on that path...
a note, by the way. i've opened myself up a lot in these entries, sometimes for the sake of comedy (i really don't have "relations" with myself, as stated in a previous entry. of course not. please. i am so above that. that would just be... anyway...) and sometimes because i think there's value to me as a writer, maybe value to someone who might relate, to let go and tell the truth. i tend to not write about people i date, and some people don't and hopefully won't ever have this address.
it has occurred to me, though, that there are some newer readers who don't know me so well. maybe one in particular that i kinda worry about. i hope they're not put off, but i've got to stop conditioning who i am and what i do on fear. please know that i'm not crazy, dangerous, or hard to deal with. i'm worth getting to know. but this is part of me, too, and the right people in my life don't seem to have a problem with it. i hope you become one of those people...
Posted by Rob at December 29, 2004 12:29 AM