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doing the christmas dance with my dad
December 23, 2004
so, dad, my real dad in south carolina, whom my friend and former boss robin believes is elvis, called me a little while ago. he is just now beginning his christmas shopping frenzy. supporting the optimistic idea that every generation should evolve and improve marginally on the last, it should be noted that I began mine yesterday during my lunch hour. i hereby claim my 24 hours worth of organizational/moral superiority over my forebears.
anyway, since my dad and i were reunited back in, err... 1998(?), every christmas, every birthday, he's given gifts in really big ways. every day for almost seven years, I carry the first gift he gave me, a black montblanc pen, one of my most treasured possessions. in 2000, it was the awesome pioneer amplifier that has powered countless movie nights and annoyed the crazy woman downstairs.
in recent years, wanting me to have choices, he sends me gift cards, for best buy, barnes and noble, or bed bath & beyond. they're always like, $250 and stuff - crazy amounts. i cherish the things i've bought with these cards - from the xbox to the little leather-bound notebook, to comforters, duvet covers, sheets, and calphalon cookware (yeah, did i mention that i'm totally not gay?), to every cd and dvd i've used the cards for. as cool as it is, i've tried to dissuade him from spending so much on me. maybe i should send the gift cards back or something, but i'm only so good.
so, today, he called to ask which store would have more accessories and stuff for my glorious new iPod, best buy or circuit city. i went with best buy, and once again exhorted him not to spend so much. this has, of course, never done any good.
in a previous blog entry a few days ago, i dropped an oh-so-not-so-subtle hint to any south carolinian readers about some cool shoes i had found. no, not another pair of basketball shoes for the collection, but shoes that i can sport with shorts, jeans, khakis, or whatever, instead of the ever-present basketball shoes. my style-conscious friends will rejoice. yeah, they're still nikes, yeah, they are still essentially sneakers, but several friends have already acknowledged that they're a step in the right direction.
so today, i'm thinking, if he's about to drop $200 or $250 like he usually does, and there's only so much i'll get with it at best buy, then maybe it'd be better to tell him about the shoes, if he hadn't seen the blog entry yet. so, i called him back, and the awkward dance began, because i felt like i was asking for something, and he, being him, still wants to do big things for me, and i'm thinking $119 is still a lot of freakin' money, especially considering he's retiring this month, but on the other hand, it's potentially less than i feared he was likely to spend, but what if i'm wrong and he's finally realized he doesn't have to spend that much, and that a $25 gift card would be freakin' outstanding...
and so, we danced. and i felt a bit funky afterwards, a bit guilty. but this is nothing new.
in our short time together, my dad's always given me everything. he's given me all these gifts, all the gift cards. he's loaned me money that i only needed as a result of my own irresponsibility, often giving me more than i asked for, whenever i asked for it, always refusing to call it a loan.
i fear that he does these things because he feels guilt about not being there while i was growing up, that he feels he owes me something.
but he's never owed me anything - it was not his fault that we became estranged. he tried to see me when i was 18, and i stupidly, ignorantly declined.
i fear he feels the need to compete with what my mother, and more notably, my stepfather, have given me. my mother and stepfather have indeed given me a lot, material and otherwise, but there has been a lot given and taken between us, so often a cost, emotional or otherwise, for what they've given me, and to be fair, for what i've been to them.
my real father does have the advantage of never having to be put in that position with me. but i know him, and had i grown up with him, i just don't believe those costs would have been as high.
but in his absence, he's done his part, paid a cost. for 26 years or so, he kept his love for an unseen, unheard-from son very much alive, without even photographs, fueled only by his imagination and his last memory of a four year-old boy walking out with his soon-to-be stepfather, telling him that he didn't want to go with him, that he didn't want to see him anymore.
and now, in the past seven years, he's been there. i can, and do, tell him anything and everything. i think there's some degree of fear that might keep him from playing the disciplinarian with me, but i also honestly think he doesn't because he believes in me, trusts me, and respects me.
so, dad, i take your gifts, not just the pens and gift cards and the money i've been slow to repay, and i accept them and revel in them perhaps too readily. i cherish them, i feel your love in them, and i feel also their weight, poorly balanced between us, making my "thank you" seem so weak and inadequate. i feel you continuing to be a father in your heart for so long, with nothing to show for it, with no love or reward in return, now giving me everything you think i want or need, without question.
i feel all of that balanced awkwardly against what little i've done in this relationship, other than accept and take. i have not much to give to tip the scale, but these things: love for a parent, as i've not known it since i was a child; my respect and admiration for you, despite your self-effacing humor (one of the few bad things i inherited from you); the fact that i believe my best qualities came from you; and the fact that i can think of no greater gift to give anyone else in my life than to re-gift all the love and support you've given me. it all just doesn't measure up, doesn't come close, but there is nothing else i have that is more valuable to me than these things.
so, shoes, gift card, or phone call, please know that the "thank you" is for everything.
Posted by Rob at December 23, 2004 01:49 PM