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time, upside down
November 15, 2004
i finally got the vacation i've been wanting, or at least the time off, with a four-day weekend. it is now pretty officially over, and there's little to show for it. it's 1:09 am on monday morning, and i can't really sleep, having slept until a little past 9:00 pm last night. there was just not a reason to get up yesterday. the sky was dark outside, no light to illuminate anything hopeful in the day. so i stayed in bed.
the weekend recap: wednesday night bowling with brian and shannon. brian bowled an amazing 154. pretty cool. went home, stayed up fairly late playing the exciting new video game, halo 2.
the next day, i had a noon appointment with the therapist-head-shrinking person. mom had also called wanting me to meet her and my stepdad for lunch. here's a tip - don't see the same doctor as your parents, who enjoys shooting at birds and such with your stepdad. i tried to be vague and say i had a doctor's appointment. my stepdad has the good sense and taste to know when i don't want to talk about something, but mom pressed on as she will, noting that our mutual doctor was somewhere in kansas shooting more birds. so, on her third relentless line of questions, i told her that i had been to see a therapist.
why not want to tell mom about therapy and medication and such? because of her version of self-help, which on thursday included distilled versions of news stories about antidepressants making teenagers suicidal (I'm 35), and the interesting and entirely revelatory factoid that medical journals are apparently reporting (Christian) prayer as an effective method in addressing mental disorders. this from a woman who wouldn't know one of jesus' disciples if he came up wearing a nametag, showed her his bit of the new testament, and kicked her in the shins. not to say that such an event would be a complete waste of time, because i'd love to see it. and i'd laugh, and laugh, and laugh...
thursday night saw me actually exercise, meeting vicky to play ball out at ut. then home, for more halo 2 (more on that in blog to come).
friday, lots of sleeping. i eventually went down to fado's to meet friend jennings, where we met up with some of his friends and jane, one of mine. getting ready to go out, my "livestrong" yellow wristband broke, splitting down the "s" as I pulled it over my apparently sizeable paw. i think it was an omen.
despite the vast quantities consumed, and going to bed at about 2am, i was out at run-tex by 7:30 to run 6 miles. i briefly considered running the nine mile route, and might have, had it not been for the post drinking and sushi, um, gassy problem. running in a pack for an hour does not present a lot of opportunities to, err, handle such issues, and it has a debilitating effect on the smoothness of one's running. again, more than you probably wanted to know.
i felt good after running, but by that time, my body was thoroughly confused. beer/no beer. food/no food, sleep/no sleep, and exercise/no exercise for the last week wiped me out. i finally got motivated to go to the big "opium den" party last night with brian, shannon, and josh saturday night. it was interesting, it was posh, it was eccentric. but my heart wasn't in it, and i had a difficult time connecting with people, especially since i wasn't really drinking, and i didn't want to be an appendage to the people i knew all night.
i got home at about 3:30am. played halo 2 for half an hour (a minimal video-game-playing record for me), and went to bed. and never really got up.
i know the depression is a dead horse at this point. look, i'm working really hard on it. i'm spending money, i'm looking back into meds. friends are trying to help, most particularly just by virtue of their time and affection. but i still can't find meaning and reason in the things around me. i have to go to work in the morning - i don't want to let down my friends and coworkers anymore than i probably already do, and i don't want to get down to losing a job. again. but what else is there out there, and why? hope pans out one of two ways, with no guarantees. fun ends, and usually leaves only memories.
i know how this sounds, how redundant a theme it is in this blog, and i know it's not a very interesting read, but this is the logical conundrum that plays daily in my head. this is the battle i'm engaged in. people say i gotta get over it, shake it off. that's what i do everyday. the downside you see is the result of the small percentage of time that i can't ignore it or keep it pushed back. what is meaningful? what am i chasing? i am aware of the zen approach of appreciating just "being" - but i'm not wired for that to be satisfying enough. i know things could be worse, but there's no meaning or joy in that sort of relativistic crap.
ok, i shouldn't post this, but i need something to show out of the last four days, yeah? well, this, and the other bit written at fado's friday night. that's to come...
Posted by Rob at November 15, 2004 01:09 AM
Comments
Hey Rob,
Okay, so I'm checking out your blog and stuff, and I must say "who wants pudding" is far more creative than "eileen the jellomonster," but what the hell...
Anyway, I totally understand about the depression (okay, at least from what I've read on your blog, I haven't probed further). I've suffered from it for quite some time now, am on Lexapro, was misdiagnosed almost a year ago as being bipolar (have fired that shrink and found another, it's a long story)... fun, fun, fun.
I actually had a little bit of fun at the bartender's expense last night after you left the reception. He sat at our table and started to get all philosophical with Donna and me. Asked us all these questions like "If you could, would you go back 100 years or go forward 100 years," and the kicker... "There is a briefcase containing $100 million in front of you. And you can keep it and spend it any way you want." So I asked, "What's the catch?" And he said there was a gun with one bullet in it, and you had to play Russian Roulette. If the gun didn't fire, you could keep the money. "Would you do it?" Well, I'd had enough of this. So I said, "Hell no, I wouldn't do it. Because I had a nervous breakdown after my daughter was born and was suicidal. My plan was to take my now ex-husband's shotgun and blow my brains out. So even though I'm okay now, I don't even touch guns."
And, needless to say, that shut him the hell up pretty fast!
That's a true story, btw... I wasn't just making it up for his discomfort.
I guess what I'm trying to say is "hang in there," and drop me a line if you feel like talking about it.
It was good to see you last night. Let's hope it's not another 8 million years before we see each other again, okay?
Peace,
Eileen :)
Posted by: Eileen the Jellomonster at November 21, 2004 09:54 PM