« provdence in the fall... | Main | hoops, hope, and delusions of grandeur »
the point
September 29, 2004
Home now, 11:13 PM. I got home safe and sound, despite what the bill said I had drank. Yes, I was safe to get home. The alcohol couldn't be escaped today, not in the face of the simultaneous emptiness and the excitement I felt overwhelm me all afternoon.
Today, Nikki gave me one of the first, one of the only responses to my post last night. And, she sent me a link, to www.perpetualkarma.com. She told me that she could really see me together with the site's author, Julie. Nikki's nice that way. The site is truly a wonder, both in terms of the effectiveness and simple elegance of its design, and most of all, in its content.
I was stunned, in tears, anxious, seeing how Julie writes, the flow, how she exposed herself so willingly before the world. I saw the same in her photography, her ability to see the sacred and the beautiful in the mundane and arcane, intelligently, yet all without the pretense that too often accompanies intellect. just beauty, of the simple kind that speaks to the heart.
Last night, emboldened by a great number of Harps that drained quickly and disappeared on the desk before me, I for the first time poured myself out before whoever might read this blog. And I was excited, even proud, to finally put it all out there, uncensored. It was thrilling, and frightening, and liberating.
Today, this afternoon at work, I felt myself lost, as I acknowledged how adrift I am right now. At the same time, I embraced it. I was thrilled by the experience of writing last night, of writing as I haven't in many years, I think. At once, it feels like self-destruction, in the method and the honesty; and like self-actualization, in the merging of emotion and ability that hasn't happened for me in so long. The product is not perfect, maybe not even moving to anyone but myself, but I see it as a start, and more than I had in my life before.
The motivators were, admittedly, the aforementioned bottles of Harp, together with the soundtrack to "Garden State" (something I was thrilled to see Julie speak of in some of her blogs). I bought the soundtrack last night, having seen the movie Sunday night. I played it in my car, then drove to Circuit City as they closed to buy an entire album by Zero 7. The Garden State soundtrack advertises that "it will change your life," and shockingly, that piece of marketing proved prophetic.
Today, it was humbling and inspiring to see Julie's website, to see someone that did it on a regular, almost daily basis. It is what I have always wanted out of the website I've been wanting to put together, and the feel, the rawness of experience and emotion is what I've always tried to transmit in my writing.
I originally envisioned a blog as an opportunity to put my writing out there, to get more of the exposure I've always needed to sustain myself, to feel there was something worthwhile in me, that would survive me and this mess of a life. Looking at Julie's site, I see that it is more importantly a way for me to expose, to continue working towards the ability to communicate what it is I feel. Maybe no one will listen. But maybe someone will, and maybe someone will find that moment that resonates, that they relate to, the bold stroke of the brush, the single note singing out from the bent string of a guitar, just the one moment of connection.
That, in the end, in the scale of my life to this point, would be something, would be something of value. And today, tonight, in this life as I've written it so far, could I ask for anything more?
Posted by Rob at September 29, 2004 11:06 PM